The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who accidentally kill themselves in really stupid ways. These excerpts are taken from the Darwin Awards web site, www.DarwinAwards.com Wrong Time, Wrong Place 1990 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin 3 February 1990, Washington A man tried to commit a robbery in Renton, WA. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below: 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt Gun Safety Training 2000 Darwin Award Runner-Up Confirmed True by Darwin 28 February 2000, Texas) A Houston man earned a succinct lesson in gun safety when he played Russian roulette with a .45-caliber semiautomatic pistol. Rashaad, nineteen, was visiting friends when he announced his intention to play the deadly game. He apparently did not realize that a semiautomatic pistol, unlike a revolver, automatically inserts a cartridge into the firing chamber when the gun is cocked. His chance of winning a round of Russian roulette was zero, as he quickly discovered. Forklift Safety Video 2000 Darwin Award Winner Confirmed True by Darwin (11 March 2000, Perth, Australia) It just stands to reason, one should follow safe practices while filming a safety video. But Peter, the 52- year-old owner of a machinery and equipment training school, violated that rule of common sense while filming a forklift safety demonstration. With the cameras rolling, he was thrown from the cabin of his forklift and crushed. Subsequent investigation revealed the culprits responsible for the fatality: driver error and high speed over varied terrain, coupled with an unused seat belt. His final safety demonstration was the most convincing of his career. What's That Ringing? 2000 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin (4 March 2000, California) We here in the Silicon Valley are besieged by rude and arrogant idiots. Those of us who grew up here are always hoping more of them will remove themselves from our presence in some amusing way. I am happy to report that one such woman has not only removed herself from the Bay Area through her arrogant idiocy, she has even gone so far as to remove herself from existence itself. Sivaenga was killed and three of her family members injured when they were hit by a train apparently after an arrogant, I-am-more-important-than-God- himself attempt to skirt around a railroad crossing gate that was already down. She sped ahead of a line of cars waiting for the train to cross and attempted to get around the crossing gates, despite ringing warning bells and flashing red lights. Luckily, these deterrents that normally stop people were not enough for Sivaenga or we would still be stuck with her. The Daily Grind 2000 Darwin Award Winner Confirmed True by Darwin "He really got caught up in his work." (01 March 2000, Maine) The owner of the Carrier Chipping Company inadvertently reproduced the chilling climactic scene in the movie Fargo, and was rent asunder by his own wood chipper. The chipper, affectionately known as the "Hog," will take birch or maple logs up to 24 inches in diameter and reduce them to 3/4" chips of wood. Employees were working late to make up for time spent repairing equipment malfunctions earlier in the day. When the Hog jammed, Michael climbed the conveyor belt feeding the chipper and used a rake to break up the bark jam in the chute. Director C. William Freeman of the Bangor Occupational Safety and Health Administration said, "Generally, our experience (of fatal accidents involving chippers) has found two causes: inadequate machine guarding, or a failure to institute an effective lockout-tagout program when someone is unjamming pieces of equipment." Apparently Michael was not a proponent of lockout-tagout procedures. His efforts were directed against a machine that was still in operation. The Skowhegan resident was somewhat the worse for the wear after his passage through the Hog. Police Chief Butch Asselin said that the remains would be subjected to DNA analysis for a positive ID, and added "I hope I never, ever see anything like this, ever again. I had a hard time sleeping last night." Kiss of Death 2000 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin (23 March 2000, California) A 36-year-old biochemist who was dying to see the legendary rock band KISS on their farewell tour got his wish. Shawn traveled from Calistoga to the Oakland Coliseum, and was enjoying the show, except for one little problem. He was dissatisfied with his seat in the top row of the stadium. He climbed a 7-foot wall to gain a better view of the stage - only to inadvertently discover a new seat three stories below. The group he had traveled to the concert with had no idea he was missing, until the show ended and the police began asking questions. That's when they learned that Shawn had mistaken a curtain for a solid wall, leaned back, and fallen to his death on an escalator 100 feet below. A police spokesman said the site of the accident was "a good place to obtain a better view." Can Duck Shooters Swim? 2000 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed by Darwin (18 March 2000, Australia) The start of the Victorian Duck Shooting season frequently ushers in a speedy reduction in the number of Australian duck shooters - and without the assistance of the anti-duck shooting lobby. At the Cairn Curran Reservoir near Castlemaine in central Victoria, a group of duck shooters set forth on an adventure in a small aluminum dinghy. This 3-meter craft is termed a "tinny" for it's cheap aluminum design. This particular tinny was rated to carry 3 adults. Instead it was carrying George and his three friends, all from Melbourne. And it was carrying George's son, six shotguns, and 3 crates of ammunition at 25kg each. The tinny found itself loaded with over 500kg. With all that gear and flesh onboard, there was no room for life jackets, so they were left behind in the car. Instead the men were wearing their waders, and waders act like lead weights if they fill with water. It is virtually impossible to swim wearing them. Always wear lifejackets. If this story teaches you nothing else, let it teach you this. 300 meters from shore, the boat capsized, pitching its contents into the water. Three men were rescued by boaters to live until another day's stupidity. George and one friend were less lucky. They were found dead, both wearing waders and Darwin Awards. Sadly the son, who was too innocent to win, also died. Home Grown Parachute 2000 Darwin Award Winner Confirmed True by Darwin (25 May 2000, Philippines) We all enjoy learning from the past. Reflect back to November 24, 1971, aboard a Northwest Orient Airlines flight in Portland. A man who had purchased his ticket under the name of "Dan Cooper" demanded two hundred thousand dollars in cash and four parachutes. The plane made a landing in Seattle to accommodate his requests and disgorge the passengers. Once the plane was back in the air, Cooper asked how to lower the tail stairs, and then ordered the flight attendant out of the cabin. When the plane landed in Reno, the tail stairs were open and Cooper and the money were gone. For all his cool demeanor, Cooper had the crosshairs of evolution on him when he decided to jump. There was a freezing rainstorm outside, and the wind chill from the plane's velocity dropped the effective temperature to -60 degrees Fahrenheit. To seal his fate, he jumped with no food or survival gear into a heavily wooded forest in winter at night. The peanuts provided on the plane were just not enough to sustain his life. It is assumed that the man the FBI called D. B. Cooper died in the mountains or hit the Columbia River and drowned. History, then, teaches us that one cannot jump out of an airplane and survive. You would think that a hijacker would know better, but… We turn to Davao City in the Philippines this year. Augusto was a man with a mission. He boarded a Philippine Air flight to Manila, and donned a ski mask and swim goggles. Then he pulled out a gun and a grenade and announced that he was hijacking the plane. Apparently security is a bit lax at the Davao City airport. He demanded that the plane return to Davao City, but the pilots convinced him that the aircraft was low on fuel, and they continued on toward Manila. Augusto, undaunted, robbed the passengers of about $25,000 and ordered the pilots to lower the plane to 6,500 feet. When a lunatic with a gun orders you to descend, you descend. Meanwhile, Augusto strapped a homemade parachute onto his back, and forced the flight attendants to open the door and depressurize the plane. He probably intended to jump, but the wind was so strong that he had trouble getting out of the plane. Finally one of the flight attendants helpfully pushed him out the door, just as he pulled the pin from the grenade. He threw the pin (oops!) into the cabin, and fell toward the earth carrying the business end of the grenade in his hand. The impact of Augusto hitting the earth at terminal velocity had little effect on the earth's orbit. All that remained aboveground were Augusto's two hands. So history repeats itself with a new twist. 1. Don't throw yourself out of a perfectly good airplane. 2. If you feel compelled to violate Lesson 1, at least don't roll your own... parachute, that is. Niagara Falls 2000 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin (1 October 1995, Canada) Horseshoe Falls is on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. Over a decade ago, a daredevil named Robert equipped himself with a homemade rocket-parachute contraption and rode a jet ski over Horseshoe Falls at full throttle. He planned to ignite the rocket to propel him clear of the falls, then deploy the parachute and float down to the river below, where he would be fished out by the Maid o' the Mist tour boat. But the water had a dampening effect on his equipment. The rocket failed to ignite and the parachute failed to deploy. However, the third phase of his scheme did work according to plan. His corpse was recovered from the river below by the Maid o' the Mist staff. Robert was married but had no children, making him a perfect Darwin contender. Fireworks Fiasco 2000 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin (4 July 2000, New York)America's Independence Day celebration is a festival for pyromaniacs. People routinely lose fingers and eyes in fireworks explosions, year after year, seemingly oblivious to the dangers. And the bigger the fireworks, the greater the damage. Keith, 34, suffered partial decapitation when he peered into the mouth of a launching tube containing what he thought was a malfunctioning aerial firework. The unlicensed pyrospectacular display was to be the grand finale of his party, and in his haste to correct the problem he placed his head directly over the opening. After a short delay the fireworks exploded, giving both his head and his party an impromptu yet spectacular grand finale. Fast Food Fatality 2000 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin The felonious antics of two fast-food managers ended tragically when their robbery cover-up scheme went up in smoke. Lisa, 22 year-old night manager of Burger King, conspired with the 34-year-old day manager to heist over $4000 from the restaurant. They staged an elaborate fake robbery/arson, in which Lisa acted the part of the victim bound with duct tape and trapped in the walk-in cooler, while her co-conspirator started a small fire and walked off with a duffel bag of cash. A key part of their plan was a quick "rescue" of Lisa by the local fire department. Unfortunately the wastebasket fire went unnoticed until the morning shift arrived to find a slow-burning smolder that had never erupted into the desired blaze. The air from the open door caused the smolder to burst into flames, and firefighters were summoned. They found Lisa in the freezer, chilled and semi-conscious, and rushed her to a hospital where she died from hypothermia. When police nabbed her bungling 34-year-old accomplice with the cash stashed in a Burger King bag, she tearfully confessed the details of the crime, implicating Lisa in her own death. Her account was verified by the fact that Lisa’s body showed no signs of forced restraint, the duct tape was loose, and she could have easily freed herself from her bindings and escaped from the unlocked refrigerator. Human Popsicle 2000 Darwin Award Runner-Up Confirmed by Darwin (24 January 2000, Ohio) The Los Angeles Police Department contacted Ohio police hoping to locate a missing truck driver and his load of broccoli. The stalled truck was located four days later and towed to a local mechanic. They thawed and refueled the truck and found that, apart from an empty gas tank, the vehicle had no mechanical problems. The driver's personal effects and seven bricks of marijuana were discovered in the cab of the vehicle. The trucking company and the police were both interested in the whereabouts of the errant driver, and a search was initiated. Shortly thereafter a patrolman noticed two feet protruding between the pallets of broccoli -- feet which belonged to the missing man. The broccoli was unloaded as quickly as possible in the cold Ohio winter, leaving the frozen body of the driver standing precisely upside down, attached to the floor of the trailer by his head. He was surrounded by space heaters and eventually pried off the floor, but his frozen corpse had to be turned on its side to load it into a rescue squad vehicle, as his arm was sticking out and wouldn't fit through the door. The Cuyahoga County coroner's office determined that the man was trying to retrieve a stash of cocaine from between the pallets of broccoli when he fell and knocked himself unconscious. He soon suffered from a fatal case of hypothermia and died in the icy air. Perhaps he should have confined his drug smuggling to the more clement climate of California. Testing Faith 2000 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin (27 October 2000, Illinois) A splinter group of Jehovah's Witnesses that tests their faith by standing in traffic, lost one of their members when she was struck by a vehicle on Interstate 55 while professing her beliefs to the passing motorists. It was not her first attempt to win converts in the middle of the busy freeway, but it was certainly her last. Historic Darwins 1994 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin Holy Roman Emperor Frederick I embarked on the 3rd Crusade to recapture the Holy Land in the twelfth century. After spending days trudging across the dry summer desert, his army came upon the River Saleph. In his parched state, Frederick threw caution to the wind -- instead of his heavy armor -- and plunged into the river, whereupon he sank to the bottom and drowned. Attila the Hun was one of the most notorious villains in history. He conquered all of Asia by 450 A.D. by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside. This bloodthirsty man died from a nosebleed on his wedding night. After feasting and toasting his own good fortune, he was too drunk to notice his nose, and he drowned in a snoutful of his own blood. Tycho Brahe, a sixteenth-century Danish astronomer whose research helped Sir Isaac Newton devise the theory of gravity, died because he didn’t make it to the bathroom in time. In that society it was considered an insult to leave the table before the banquet was over. Brahe forgot to relieve himself before the banquet began, then exacerbated matters by imbibing too much alcohol at dinner. Too polite to ask to be excused, he instead allowed his bladder to burst, which killed him slowly and painfully over the next eleven days. Francis Bacon was an influential statesman, philosopher, writer, and scientist in the sixteenth century. He died while stuffing snow into a chicken. He had been struck by the notion that snow instead of salt might be used to preserve meat. To test his theory he stood outside in the snow and attempted to stuff the bird. The chicken didn’t freeze, but Bacon did, prompting the question "Which froze first? The Bacon or the egg?” Jean-Baptiste Lully, a seventeenth-century composer who wrote music for the king of France, died from an overdose of "musical enthusiasm.” While rehearsing for a concert, he became overexcited and drove his baton right through his foot. He succumbed to blood poisoning.